It is the last night of 2017.* So much has happened this year. In the world. In this country. In the industry I work in. In my own personal life.
I entered the year strong. I was in the process of filming an independent feature film that had been in development since 2013. It was a passion project which we all dug into our own pockets to make happen. We had started production the day after Christmas filming 12+ hour days for three weeks straight through the New Year with only two days off. This project stretched me as an actor and took me into new territory with breakthrough after breakthrough. I was SO connected to the character I was playing and the story that we were telling that after we wrapped, coming back to reality was tough. I had experienced such an artistic high, my soul yearned to get back to that. But as the days went by, the experience started to feel like a distant dream.
I started to feel uninspired in my acting class and stuck at my freelance job. There was this desire to do something more, but I didn’t know what that was yet.
New Beginnings
At the end of 2016, my previous roommate had moved out, so I had a vacancy that needed to be filled. A friend introduced me to someone she’d worked with on a show who needed a place to stay in LA for a month and a half during pilot season. Little did any of us know that this would become such a meaningful friendship in such a short time. She became someone who inspired me and encouraged my growth.
On Valentine’s Day, I started meeting with a woman who would become an amazing spiritual big sis to me- another person who would build me up and challenge me to reach new heights. We would meet on a regular basis week after week and she would feed me both physically and spiritually. She would listen to my ramblings and silly ideas, ask me hard questions, and always pray with me.
Letting Go in Order to Grow
After my 34th birthday in March, I went through what seemed to be a sudden breakup with someone who I had been friends with for nearly a decade. The reality is that our friendship hadn’t been the same for a very long time. It had become quite surface and whatever depth I had been trying to hold onto just wasn’t there anymore and I needed to let go. And while it was a long time coming, it was still heartbreaking.
With my soul yearning for inspiration and my heart feeling the loss of this friendship, I hit a point where I just did not want to be in LA, so in April, I booked a trip to New Zealand and Australia for the beginning of May. My whole family would be in Melbourne spending time with our in-laws and I figured I would stop by New Zealand to see a friend who’d been living out there for a little bit.
During this time, my spiritual big sis also invited me to go to Redding with her before my trip. I was on the fence about it, but just in case, I reached out to another spiritual big sis who lived in Redding so I might have a place to stay. As the travel dates approached, my LA sis told me that a friend of hers had connected her to someone up in Redding who she would be meeting with… turns out it was my Redding sis! So I took this as a sign that I should go.
As I started packing for what would be a few weeks away from LA, I also started putting clothes and miscellaneous things I didn’t need anymore into donation bags. Hidden in the top corner of my closet were three boxes containing letters and gifts from ex-boyfriends. The earliest box having been with me since 2009 and the latest one since 2014. A few nights before I was supposed to leave, a friend of mine gave me the idea to take the boxes up to Redding and let go of them there.
So I did. I packed my car with a suitcase, ex-boyfriend boxes, and half a dozen bags to drop off at a donation center on the way up. I spent three nights in Redding and was SO incredibly blessed with prophetic words and prayer. My Redding sis had told me about a creativity conference that would be happening in mid-May shortly after my scheduled trip to New Zealand and Australia. Considering I was already taking three weeks off from LA and potential work, I wasn’t sure I could afford to take more time off, but my gut was telling me to go to that conference…
In the meantime, my friend in New Zealand had planned a short road trip for us since I was only staying for two nights. As soon as I landed in Auckland, she picked me up, introduced me to meat pies, and we hit the road for our first night’s destination in Mangonui. The next morning, we continued to drive north making stops at Cable Bay, Karikari Peninsula, Spirits Bay, and the most northern point of NZ, Cape Reinga. As we headed back south, we hit up the Te Paki sand dunes before driving through lush rolling green hills to our second night’s destination in Whangarei. The next morning, our awesome Airbnb hosts made breakfast for us and let us use their kayaks in the Marsden Cove. We then drove back to Auckland so that I could experience a little bit of the city before catching my flight to Melbourne.
In Melbourne, I enjoyed flat whites, brunch, learning about my sister-in-law’s school days, walking around the city, and having some nice family time. My parents and I went on a tour of the Great Ocean Road as well. And it was during my time in Melbourne that I decided to register for the creativity conference in Redding.
So I was back in Redding for another week. And what happened during that week may have to be written in a book one day… but for now, I will say that God showed up in a big way. From prophetic words from 7 years prior coming to pass, being reminded of my calling, being affirmed for who I am, having crazy vivid dreams, waking up before the sunrise without an alarm clock on the daily, being so inspired, getting so many creative downloads, but most importantly, experiencing true joy and freedom to be who I’ve been made to be.
During this conference, I was also led to respond to a call for help on an independent feature film that would be shooting in the summer. When I returned to LA, I discovered that I had friends that were working on this film and the next thing I knew, I was heading back to Redding for another month.
We filmed for three weeks in July and it was a pretty crazy experience. There were highs and there were lows. There was chaos and frustration, but there was also beauty and camaraderie. In some ways it kind of felt like we were in Lost, like we were a bunch of strangers that had all crashed on an island and in order to survive, we needed each other.
Once wrapped, I was so exhausted from the lack of sleep, I decided to stay in Redding an extra week just to recover. It was during that week that I got re-baptized in a secluded area of Whiskeytown Lake on August 4th. Two others on the crew had decided to re-dedicate their lives to Jesus during our production and I was inspired by them. I was also inspired by all the nature that I’d been experiencing this whole summer even beginning with New Zealand. I’d fallen more in love with God and I just wanted to renew my vows with Him.
When I returned to LA, I came back feeling stronger than ever. I hit the ground running and I also quickly stumbled and fell. I found myself reeling back into feelings of rejection, loneliness, and inadequacy. And I knew this was not a time to isolate myself as this had been an unhealthy way for me to deal with personal struggles in the past. I knew I had to be in community and I knew I needed to reach out.
To be continued… (because it’s 3:46am and I need to sleep)
*I started writing this blog at 7:30pm on New Year’s Eve.
